Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Toastmasters: Raise Money For Snowy

For the middle aged man that needs to communicate better


Anxiety


I attend Toastmasters because I suffer from Anxiety. I'm not ready to give the details of my struggle to the internet just yet, but I will at some point. Needless to say, Toastmasters has been a godsend in easing my pain. It has taken time, and there is a long way to go. but it works, each and every time I go, life gets easier.


Master


I had a simple role at Boyd Park Toastmasters last night. Raffle Master. I like being a Master.

The Raffle Master duties are described well on our sister Sandgate Club's site


Purchase a small prize (or unwanted present) to the value of say $7 - $10 that could be raffled. The club will have the tickets. Although this is a short segment, it is to be treated as a prepared speaking segment or a mini-speech. There is to be an opening, body and a conclusion, all aimed at motivating the audience to buy, buy, buy! Use your imagination and be as creative as you like to enhance the suspense. Selling price of the tickets is $1 each or 3 for $2.00. Total time for segment1 - 2 minutes. Sell the tickets during the supper break and give the money to the Treasurer at the end of the meeting. When tickets have been sold, pull out the ticket butts and place in a container.  When called on to draw the raffle, shake the container  and ask someone to draw the winning ticket.
Raffle Master Responsibilities

Imagine If You Can


Use your imagination! I love this, I find speeches, where I can talk complete shit, the easiest. I guess it's because I can't be wrong. Whereas, if I am talking about the progress of our project to the CEO, anything an be wrong depending on how his morning went, and I can find myself on the receiving end of 'the hairdryer' treatment!





Here's my script:


It is my honour today to sell you some raffle tickets for a very worthy cause.  Please buy an extra Raffle Ticket so I can find my mum This poor seal puppy needs your help. Without your help, by buying extra raffle ticket, Snowy will be left to die, all cold, alone. Each extra raffle ticket you buy will fund a foster mum for Snowy for 1 month. Due to the urgency to save Snowy, and the wonderful feedback you, as a club, have already shown, today we have a very special deal for our members.  Don’t settle for $1 for 1 Don’t settle for $2 for 3 Don’t settle for $4 for 6  Today, and today only,  I have been authorised to sell you 7 tickets at the amazing price of only $5! Imagine, later tonight when the raffle gets drawn, and you have the unfair advantage of 7 tickets. This gives you your best ever chance to win  this huge prize. And remember, when you buy 7 tickets, for only $5 you are giving Snowy a mum for 7 months! Don't let Snowy Die, buy 7 tickets
My Raffle Master Speech
















Speech Time




I managed not to read the notes, it was quite easy to remember and I didn't miss much out.

Before the speech I decided to focus on Passion, Vocal Variety & Movement.

It worked!!!

First of all most members genuinely thought I was serious until I mentioned the 'club' joke. As I have never played the Raffle Master role, they actually thought, that I thought, that I could raise money for Snowy the Seal.

Secondly, I had everyone's attention. When I was sad, they were sad. When I was laughing, they were laughing & when I was selling, they were buying. Everyone bought $5 worth of tickets (the usual is $2)

I got two rounds of applause afterwards. I had a special mention from the president who said I had raised the bar! Not sure everyone will be happy about that.

After last weeks struggles this was just what the doctor ordered. Literally!

Credulous


Also of note is that the Word Master couldn't manage to attend. So I volunteered! I used my list of long words from this very blog! I chose 'Credulous'. Man did that go down well! That, is, until someone pointed out that Credulous has been removed from the dictionary .. ... ... ... ... Hahah you are so credulous!!! Hahaha. 


Monday, 26 October 2015

Going To The Gym





Gym


I joined the gym.

I had to. The doctors made me.

They highlighted the years of pain I have been having in my neck, my upper back, my lower back, my shoulders, my knee & my foot. They said most of the pain will be reduced if I start to stretch and exercise at the gym. They highlighted the bulging mass keeping my t-shirt taught, not my chest, my stomach. They highlighted the fact I was knackered walking all the way from the car to the doctors because the car park was busy and I couldn't park within 5 m of their office.



So I joined the gym

Gym with Benefits


Here are the benefits I have found since joining the gym


  • My aches and pains are definitely getting better
  • My posture is looking less & less like my grandma's shortly before her 90th birthday
  • Day to day activities are significantly easier
  • The view from the gym is exceptional. I mean exceptional. So many big boobs & tight arses in clinging Nike leotards that must be expensive because they can't afford much material.
  • They have a sauna
  • They have steam room
  • They have a 'f**king' cold room
  • They have a swimming pool
  • I have a place to escape to (during the week)
  • I can take a guest on the weekend
  • Gyms are 24 hours nowadays!
  • I realise how hard it is to burn off 633 Kcal's! ie I eat less.
  • I am bonding with my teenage son as we lift weights together
  • I meet friends there
  • I am losing weight
  • I am gaining muscle
  • Did I mention they have a sauna
  • Did I mention the view!
  • I get a buzz after working out
  • I don't feel like a slob 
  • I get to use my expensive Bluetooth headphones
  • I get to listen to 90's techno again. Come on Joey Beltram!
  • Life is forgotten whilst in the Gym





Good advice from the doctors I reckon. Worth the effort to see them. And you should see the view!

Bra Of The Day 3

We have the third Bra of the Day!!!!






If you look closely on the label you'll see it's an 18EE. It's large.

You can see this & all future 'Bra of the Days' on my Instagram account NakedMidLife

Also, did you know I have set up a Facebook page - NakydMidLife?

Also, I'm sill in negotiations with a prospective model.

Sunday, 25 October 2015

Bra Of The Day Number 2




Second Ever Bra of the Day!

As promised here, we have our second ever Bra of the Day!!!!






Nice.

You can see this & all future 'Bra of the Days' on my Instagram account NakedMidLife

Also, did you know I have set up a Facebook page - NakydMidLife?

Also, I'm in negotiations with a prospective model.

Saturday, 24 October 2015

6 Money Saving Tips

6 Money Saving Tips


Money




I want to list some easy ways to save money, right here and now, so that it might inspire you to become more in control of your hard earned dosh.

Cash Back




1. Always get cash back when you spend money. There are two main methods for this.

  1. Use a debit Mastercard/Visa card that gives cash back e.g ING or ME
  2. Buy vouchers at a discount for the shops you go to frequently . e.g. Woolworths

These two methods cover most of my spending and earn me up to $500 cash back a month alone. I won't waste your time repeating how they work when you can just click on the links and read it first hand. Remember that the Woolworths vouchers can be used at Caltex, Big W, BWS, Masters. Check out all their stores here .

Incentives


2. Many banks will pay you an incentive to open an account with them. I open the account, receive the incentive, and then close it. You can get $100 to $250 for each account you open. Be careful not to leave the account open if there is an annual fee. Also check there isn't a fee to close the account. So far I have done this many times and not had a problem. Coles were doing a good deal, but it's just finished.

Referrals


3. Referral programs for product/services you use. This is a no brainer! Most electricity companies pay a fortune to get new customers and you will find most have a referral scheme where they pay you $50 or more if you get your mate to join.

At my work we have a social email address that employees can subscribe to. I send my referrals to this address and often get other employees that I don't even know, or talk to, to switch providers and earn me some very easy money. Why do they do it? Simply because the new provider gives them a better deal. Side point: switch providers regularly for better deals, they love not passing on discounts to existing customers!

OzBargain


4. Use OzBargain! If you are an Aussie and you haven't heard of Ozbargain then you are in for a surprise! Every offer you can imagine that is found on the web or in the high street is listed by community members and voted on as to how genuine/effective it is. The result is, you quickly get to see some amazing offers. It is often said that being an 'Ozbargainer' can make you spend a fortune, because they buy so many amazing bargains! So be warned!!!!

Static Ice

5. Use Static Ice! This site simply searches for a product you type in to see if it can find a cheaper price online. It normally does. Most good bargain hunters get a price from static ice, then go to a Price Match shop and ask to buy at the 'static ice' price. This became so widely used it is rumour that it is the cause of Office Works removing their price match guarantee policy. Just try and remember to use it, you will be buying goods at far less cost than your neighbours.

Use Your Phone


6. Shop by phoning the shops rather than visiting them for things like car servicing or whitegoods. Why? Because retailers know that you will just phone the next company unless they give you a good deal. However, when you visit their shop they can use all sorts of Jedi mind tricks to make you buy the product there and then. Lets face it, they know we are all very lazy and dont want to walk the 60m to the next shop. We just want to close the deal and enjoy our new purchase! Ever heard of the Gruen Transfer? If not, look it up! I've created the link for you :-)

Savings Savings Savings 


It's hard to say exactly how much less I spend than my friends who live the same way that I do, but don't bother to take note of these simple tips. I would estimate that I am, and this is after tax money remember, $5000 to $6500 a year better off. I would also estimate that the effort to employ these tips is close to SFA.

All these tips I use as part of my life. I hardly think about them. I am a bit disappointed when I see my friends frittering away their money and then discussing how they can't afford a holiday or a better car. It's next to no effort people!

I have deliberately kept this post brief so it can be seen as a list, but if you want more details leave me a comment.

Happy Savings!



Book Review - The Martian

For the bored of books person that wants to read a good book, not a crap one.


Audio-Book

Couple of months back I was discussing with the brother in law, Bil, how we both can't be bothered to read books. There's so many shit blogs books out there full of nonsense, it's hard to find a good one. Last fiction book I read was years ago. Bil said he actually enjoyed audio books, as they can be listened to at night time when the lights are off (he's been married a while), and he was currently reading one called The Martian.



e-Book


He did a good job selling it, because I bought the e-book on Amazon (I'm not keen on Audio books, I have enough difficulties listening to people as it is). I loved it. I loved it because it was fiction based on facts. Even though it was made up, it was believable.

Leprechauns



I tried reading Lord of the Rings once. Sorry to all the fans, but I didn't manage to read it all. About 73,635 pages into the book, start of chapter 2, just after the introductions I think, some really bad , really naughty horses were chasing the good guys. It was scary, the good guys were doomed. They had tried everything to no avail and the time of their demise was upon them! They were well and truly screwed!!!! However, out of nowhere a leprechaun appeared, waved his horn at a river which suddenly increased in flow dramatically and the bad horses couldn't get across. They were saved! Thank god for the leprechaun, which just as suddenly left and was never seen again. Sorry, but at this point I couldn't get away from the fact, and its just my opinion, just my opinion I say, that the author was making this shit up as he went. 

The bit about the leprechaun; I made that bit up. See the irony.

So it's unusual for me to like a book.

Kids

Back to the Martian. I actually managed to get one of my sons to read it. He's 10 and hates reading as well, but he read this one in about 3 weeks from start to end. The other son couldnt manage past the first line, which he loved, but then realised his minecraft character was being shredded by his best online mate (which could be a lepricorn for all we know) and he never gave the book a second glance.

Btw, the first line was “I’m pretty much fucked” . Hope my 10 year skipped that bit.

Movie


So today I saw the movie with the boys. I enjoyed it. They enjoyed it. We were all absorbed for the whole 2.5 hours. It won't win any prizes or change your life, and I'm not sure it justified the small mortgage I needed to take out to pay for the popcorn and cokes, but it was a pleasant afternoon. I did compensate by getting the cheap tickets from RACQ of course!

Science Faction


I discovered that people classify The Martian as 'science fAction" which is category all of its own! I may look around for other science Faction books as I kind a like them. Any recommendations? And don't mention Star Trek, that has leprechauns, and worse, in it too!













Blogging Fusion Blog Directory

Friday, 23 October 2015

Bra Of The Day Number 1



First Ever Bra of the Day!

As promised here, we have our first ever Bra of the Day!!!!






Lovely isn't it!

You can see this & all future 'Bra of the Days' on my Instagram account NakedMidLife

Also, did you know I have set up a Facebook page - NakydMidLife? I did blog about it here My Mission but it was kinda under the radar.

I think I might need to get a model. It does kinda look better here for some reason:

Tesla Power Wall



For the middle aged Australian who doesn't like paying electricity bills

Tesla!

I've just registered for the Tesla Power Wall here Tesla Powerwall




I think the Power Wall could compliment my 5 KW Solar Panel which I only bought about 3 months ago.Cor blimey gov those panels were a good investment.

If you don't have solar panels and you live in Australian, then you really should think about ding it. Here is why:

Maths!

Assumptions:

Daily usage 20 KW
5 KW System Total Cost $3500
Total average daily electricity generated 21 KW
Daytime solar electricity used 11 KW

Therefore 

You will export 10 KW a day
and you will import 9 KW

Generally, depending which state, you can only get 6 c or 8 c for each KW of electricity you export, and unfortunately you will have to pay 27 c for each KW you import. Don't forget the daily supply charge the electricity companies charge you which is normally in the region of $1.50

Savings!

The gory maths details are in this spreadsheet, however the executive summary is:

Given the numbers above, you will save yourself about $1300 a year. So in 2.5 years you'll have the system fully paid off and will spend the rest of your days $1300+price increases better off!

The Shun

So why wouldn't you do it?

  1. Well you may not have $3500
  2. You could be moving house
  3. You could have a lot of shade on your house
  4. Your roof may not face north
  5. You rent
  6. Your are a landlord and you don't pay for the electricity
  7. You are not in during the day much so the 11 KW is too optimistic
  8. You don't actually use that much electricity
All good reasons, however ...

The Comeback


1. You can borrow the money at about 5%. The return on this investment is over 30%. That's an easy decision.
2. Fair enough, but maybe in the new house?
3. If it's trees in the way, then maybe the neighbour is more than happy to prune them, they might just need a nudge. In some states neighours are obliged to keep their trees pruned!
4. You can buy 'risers' They allow you to point your panels in any direction. They do cost extra, but not too much.
5. Ask your landlord, some are more than happy to do a deal. They have the option of increasing your rent, by less than the electricity saving I hope, or selling you the electricity directly at a price lower than it was, but higher than they pay!
6 See 5. Also, it can help differentiate your property from others!
7 Fair enough, but this post is about the Tesla battery, and I will get back to that in a minute....
8 You've got me there, but maybe you could save money on all those candles you buy?


Tifs


You may have the impression that I am exceedingly happy with the decision to get solar panels. I am. The disadvantage to having panels is that I can get a little bit obsessed with watching the electricity meter & the inverter. I also have an app on my phone that tells me how the 'Generator' is performing. I  tend to get a little bit consumed. So much so that the the Mrs and I have genuinely had a few little tiffs. Apparently I give her a 'Do you really need to use that 1.5 KW device at 8 pm when it could easily go on at 8 am!' frown. And she often cant find me because I'm round the back of the house getting meter readings for my spreadsheets. Seriously though darling Mrs, why not put it on when the sun is shining!

So to solve the tiffs the next investment will be the Tesla Battery, or Power Wall as it it properly called. Problem solved!

It is currently being sold, and even given away!, in America and the manufacturers are targeting Australia as a big market. Sales are expected here any moment now. ie before Xmas.

The Gotcha's


You will need a compatible Inverter, if yours isn't compatible then you will probably have to fork out for a new one. I'm not going to rewrite some of the rumours/guesses as to how all this will work as other blogs do this very well.

Cost? Again, currently rumours - this blog is updated frequently so check it out, but for a 7 KW Wall it looks like about $3500. In my situation I would like 2, maybe 3 as if the whether is bad for a few days we would need the extra capacity. I'm not sure, but with the 7 KW setup you'll still have to remain on the grid. This means I could of course just have the 1 battery, however that leaves me still paying $1.50 a day every day and receiving that nasty bill.

Xmas!


So its early days yet, but after Xmas we should have a clearer idea and cross fingers we can get completely off the grid, never pay another electricity bill and best of all (cough cough) be nice to the planet! I'll let you know in the new year ;-)



Foxtel Revisted

For the middle aged Australian who thinks Foxtel's web site is shit

Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah


Who wants English Premiere League (EPL) football (soccer!) live and on-demand for $10 a month legally!!!!!!

You may have read my frustrations trying to figure out how to buy EPL with Foxtel  Well don't do what I, and many others did!. Instead, just go here: http://www.foxsports.com.au/fox-sports-subscription. Do it. Do it now.

Foxtel Products


So it appears Foxtel have 3 main products, with 3 different profit margins. Therefore they push their high profit margin first.

Note that the first 2 are 'Foxtel', the last one is 'Fox Sports'. If you Google, then make sure you are aware of the distinction. (I wasn't!) Foxtel is owned by New Ltd AND Telstra, whereas Fox Sports owned only by News Ltd. Fox Sports own the channels and allow Foxtel to distribute them, but not exclusively as Fox Sports sell them themselves. Its all explained on the link above, but its boring and it doesn't really matter anymore, so I suggest you go and watch some football.

Here are the links and descriptions of the 3 products:

Foxtel Using The Old Ways

High profit margin. Stay away.

This is the traditional set top box, installation fees, minimum cost $xxx you must get the basic channels, little on demand, plenty of ads.

Unless you want channels other than sport, stay away, and even if you do want drama etc, then I will be posting articles about Netflix, Hulu and HBO Go shortly. (comment if you want it sooner!)


Foxtel Using The Old Ways In A New Way

High profit margin. Stay away.

This is the above product wedged on to the internet in a manner only middle aged men, really old ignorant middle aged men, could do. They let us down. They need to go. It's one of these, wait for the next generation to get promoted things.

Back to the point. You can install their App on 3 devices. These 3 devices must be brown, have no scratches and an ip address ending in 6. I'm kidding, but the point is Foxtel heavily restrict which devices their app will work with. 

Of course, this doesn't stop anyone under the age of installing it on their device in about 30 seconds using help from one of many pages such as Foxtel Go on any Rooted Device.  I tried it and it works a treat!

Square peg, round hole! And you still pay $50 a month, and the 'on demand' is heavily time restricted! Oh, and they don't show much EPL, if any at all (I have to be mistaken, surely! Please let me know)

Fox Sports - Perfection On A Web Page

Not high profit margin. Soak it all in! Come on Jimmy!




I signed up to the $10 month to see what it's all about. It's a recurring payment, so I have to actively stop it, but I don't think I will. This is bloody fantastic! Just what the doctor ordered! Can't believe I didn't find this earlier.

If you don't hear from me for a few days it's because I must have got lost in the football. Don't worry I will be back. I want to sell you a bra. :-)



(Here are some reciprocal links that are good to get any blog known well: 1Abc Directory)




Thursday, 22 October 2015

My Mission

For the middle aged folk who wants to know why the f(*$ they are reading any of this shit


Facebook


Well I just set up a Facebook Page NakydMidLife using this guide 

Facebook doesnt allow the word Naked! so I had to use my noggin and come up with a work around. What do you think? Clever or Confusing?

NakydMidLife will sit along side this blog, which incidentally I only set up to sit along side my new (and until just now forgotten!!!) Instagram account MangoMarshall, (Ed: NaykdMidLife was ok, but MangoMarshall!! Haha you screwed that up!)(Ed: Expect a name change soon)(Ed done: NakedMidLife)

Anyhow, Facebook asked for a 'Mission' A mission! What a darn good question! What is all this about, well this is what I wrote:


Sell a bra to a man for his Mrs

It was spontaneous, pure and unedited.


Party!


Behind the technology, the social media, the gadgets and the health I have a purpose. It has been a little lost admittedly and I may need to focus, but my goal is to emulate the Mrs's success and sell a Bra! Just one.  Truly! I think I touched on this in an earlier post, Selling Lingerie, however I didn't quite realise it's significance, it's power, its lure. Obviously, when she said she goes to parties with all these women and they take their clothes off and point straight at you, I must have firstly thought 'no wonder she enjoys her job so much!' and secondly 'I want to do that!'

My bra selling method has to be different, not sure how to proceed to do to be honest, but I'm in no rush, this challenge needs consideration, planning and plenty of cunning. .... .... yes, plenty of cunning.

I had to create a cover photo to help me sell a bra - what do you think?




So there you go, who wants to buy a bra?

I'm serious, I want to sell you a bra. Hahahaha 

Blogs by Middle Aged People

For the middle aged man who wants more blogs to read


Is There Anybody out There?


Sometimes it's hard to find blogs that are written by similar aged folk and are insightful & humorous. It's like trying to see the woods for the trees. So I thought I would make a list of the best ones I find and give my 2 cents worth. If you know of any I should include please feel free to leave a comment. If they are half decent I will add them to the list:

Blogs

Reservoir Dad

This guy is spot on! Well worth a follow. He started blogging back in 2000 so he's got some practice in. He loves it so much he's even been on TV and radio and has his own book. He's very much a Dad and blogs all it, I'm sure this would be very interesting to all the mums and dads out there. The site is very professional however there are some links missing ?!@#

Insightful 9/10
Humourous 8/10

Goonerholic

If you're an Arsenal then this is a must. Enjoyed Nick Hornby? Then maybe. Otherwise probably best leave it.

Insightful 9/10
Humourous 8710

Grumpy Old Ken

Blogging since 2008 a quote from the top of his main page does well to describe his blog "still in love with life in spite of increasing years". Since Jan 2015 Ken has posted a series of video blogs on his day to day views.Be warned, they are addictive! Not sure why, maybe it's because I have lost all my Grandparents? I will be keeping up to date with Ken and his school teacher stories!

Insightful 9/10
Humourous 5/10

Bloke In The North

A great story, I don't want to spoil any surprises, so just know it's there and discover it for yourself when you feel ready.

Insightful 9/10
Humourous 5/10

Views From The Bike Shed

Fantastic blog! A Fantastic writer and a lucky man to have so many things to write about. Let me quote him to entice you to follow:

"Last Friday I walked with my eldest son from Abereiddy near my home to St David’s Head – nine miles of rugged splendour: five seals in a bay, a kestrel at Carn Llidi; my first butterflies of the year.  The next day I drove to London with my middle son and cheered as Carl Froch bludgeoned George Groves with a right hand we could feel from the second tier of Wembley Stadium."

There's some awesome photos too.

Insightful 9/10
Humourous 9/10




Wednesday, 21 October 2015

Foxtel


What Do I Know?

Having lived outside of the UK for a number of years and now living in a country that only shows top sport on PAY TV, I have been unable to watch most of the Rugby World Cup Games. As a sports mad fan, why don't I pay for Pay TV? Because its a rip off, that's why. Foxtel, offer a sports package and it is $50 a month. $50 for channels with adverts!

Tempted

Hmmm, If you forget the money, there's a crap load of entertainment there. Rugby World cup for a start. Wimbledon. Aussie cricket abroad (when they go ahead and play!). English Cricket? Probably not. AFL is on free to air along with some NRL so that's no issue. The decider would have to be the EPL. I have no idea whether they show live games or just highlights. I assume it would have to be live games. Ideally, for $50, I would like a 24/7 channel of EPL with no adverts with a sprinkling of Championship and a dash of Division 1. Division 2 highlights once a week at 4 am is fine.

Foxtel EPL Coverage

Drumroll ..... So here are the results. This is straight from their web page:

Fox Sports 4 show:

  • 2015/16 Hyundai A-League
  • 2015/16 Barclays Premier League
  • 2015 AFC Champions League
I had to google  'AFC Champions League' and discovered it was the Asian Champions League. I could get into that I suppose.

Ok, so what percentage is EPL?


Well before I can answer that I need to moan about how crap their web site is! Aaaargggg! I just want some simple information. Surely they can hire some semi decent web designers who know the basics of web design. Surely! Surely! Surely! 

Look at this for example. Here is a graphic from this top level page: 




What do you expect to happen if you click on one of those blue Foxtel icons.....

Well this is what happens:




Not a disaster, but quite unexpected and very cluttered.

So here's the chestnut. There's now 9 channels, each with their own 'Visit channel site' .  You'd expect each one to take you to its own channel site wouldn't you. No actually they all (well mostly all, I can't be bothered to click on all of them) take you to http://www.foxsports.com.au. The same page you were on but without the https. Thanks Foxtel. Thanks a lot. No channel info on this page, just a lot of very cluttered ads and news.

I can smell bullshit when I see it.

Heaven knows what their coverage is like. I'll try again..... 


Foxtel EPL Coverage Revisited

Ok, After using Google (Thanks Google :-) ) Foxtel's tv guide is here: http://www.foxsports.com.au/tvguide. How could I miss that. After waiting for it to load (it's using Flash FGS!!!!!!), a tv guide comes up. Wahooo!

Its a bit small, slow and has very unnecessary large borders. But the information is in there. At last!






And here is the agenda for my prime time slots (Friday night, all day Saturday & all day Sunday - Yeeeeesssssr)





So, looking at just the EPL we have:

Friday

17:00 - 18:00 EPL Review Show (Repeat)

21:00 - 21:30 EPL Preview Show

Sat

14:30 - 16:00 EPL Build up programs

23:50 - 02:00 EPL Live match
02:20 - 04:30 EPL Live match
Sun
07:30 - 11:00 EPL Highlights
21:30 - 21:55 EPL Preview
21:55 - 23:50 EPL Live Game
23:50 - 02:05 EPL Live Game

So what would/could I watch for my $50?
Sat
23:50 - 02:00 EPL Live match Not sure I could stay up this late to be honest
Sun
07:30 - 11:00 EPL Highlights It would be f***king fantastic to wake to this!!!
21:55 - 23:50 EPL Live Game This is a no brainer. 



Balls in a Vice

Well there's the facts. Its mostly pretty miserable. But at my age there's only a few things that excite me, and watching footy is one of them. They have spent billions to get my, and your, balls in a vice and thats exactly what they've done.
Expect future blogs on EPL games. From now on I'll be watching.

Selling Lingerie

For the middle aged man that... In fact, for all middle aged men here's some Lingerie!


My Mrs Sells Lingerie!

How lucky am I! My house is full of Bras and Knickers. Small ones, Large ones. Granny ones! Sexy ones!! Sometimes I so admire, even venerate my Mrs!

Bra Service

It appears that buying a bra is not like buying a vest. Each time I go to buy a vest I have no idea which size to get. 14, 16, 18? No idea. They come in sealed packets and so you cant easily try them on. A quick cheeky "How big is my chest?" question to the nice female assistant and we're all good to go. Anyway, back to Bras! So, apparently, as my understanding goes, most breasts are different from woman to woman. Some are big, some small, some squishy some hard, some floppy some high, some low, some firm and some pointy. (Ed: that should cover it) Its not just the breasts that differ either, the chest size is can vary - again small, large, medium,..small, large. Well maybe just small, medium and large then. To add to the complications, breasts change! Over time they don't remain the same. And its not just gravity making them change, other things like hormones affect breasts. Oh and really complicate matters it is often the case that one breast is different to the other breast! Trying to get a comfy  bra must be like trying to buy a holder for each of your nads!

Anyway, this is were the Mrs comes in. She's more than good at fitting bras.

In the Knick of Time

She started selling Bras simply because she was bored at home. She's had cancer twice and now suffers from a few disabilities that makes working fulltime difficult. So she wanted a job where she could work from home and could take it easy. By luck she came across Intimo. Apart from many wonderful things, which I will go into in other posts (Lingerie is going to feature a lot in a blatant attempt to get traffic) the reason Intimo worked for her was because a)her boss is fantastic and b)It turns out women love the service she gives! (Ed: I can relate to that)

Photos

Well, having written this post, and in order to boost blog traffic, I am realising that I need to put photos up. I think I will start with 'Bra of the Week' and see how it goes. Additionally, tomorrow I will take a few photos of the lingerie lying around the house and post below. Just so you can see how lucky I am!

Cross Dressing Selling

While I'm here, if you see something you like and want to buy it for your Mrs, you may as well leave me a comment and I'll see if the Mrs can do you a deal. If I get any interest I might just have to sort out an email address. Maybe I should set up a 'Presents for the Wife' blog! This could be big!!!!!!!


Disclaimer

I am writing these tips and advice to a future me. If you read them, act on them, and get into trouble, I take no responsibility. I have no qualifications backing this advice up. It is simply advice given based on my years of experience. If you do get into trouble please seek professional advice. Call your doctor, they can then refer you to a specialist. There are specialists out there for all our problems so do not suffer alone. Seek Professional Advice!

Big Words I Want to Use In Everyday Conversations


For the middle aged man that doesn't read much

Ok, Im in my 40's, I'm reading GQ and I'm finding big words I'm (to be polite to myself) unsure about.

I figure if I create (and maintain!) a list of such words I might start using them. Let me know of any (Ed: polite and unusual only please!) words you think every middle aged man should know and I'll add it to the list. Thanks.

I'm going to use this dictionary as it has easy to understand definitions : http://www.vocabulary.com/dictionary/

Update! For the dynamic list that will be continuously updated please see the following page Big Words

Sanguine

Definition

Optimistic or positive, especially in an apparently bad or difficult situation.

Source

GQ Magazine November Edition

Blog Usages 

"Well, stick in there, keep a sanguine attitude"


Venerate

Definition

To venerate is to worship, adore, be in awe of.

Source

Esquire Magazine November Edition

Blog Usages 

"Sometimes I so admire, even venerate my Mrs"


Credulous

Definition

People who believe things easily without having to be convinced are credulous

Source

Esquire Magazine November Edition

Blog Usages 

"buy an iPhone like every other credulous exec"





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How to Choose a Phone

For the busy phoneless non-tech middle aged person who cant be bothered to research phones but doesnt want to just buy an iPhone like every other credulous exec.

This guide differs from the usual ones in that it is aimed at the busy non-tech middle aged person who's not bothered about all the numbers and acronyms spouted by vocal opinionated fan boys. Its just a common sense approach and checklist that can be applied to any phone to ensure you get the value you deserve.

Use a Checklist

First things first, what is important to you? Write these things down in a checklist. I've started one for you: Phone Checklist


Phone Checklist


Let me go through some of the items on the checklist:


Sex Appeal 

This is number one for a reason. If you disagree then .. well .. then maybe I should write another post: Toys for Good Times: How to get excited again without blue pills!

A phone is like a penknife. It never leaves your side. It has things on it you have no idea what they could be used for, but you know you need it. One or two things are used all the time (Phone Calls, Emails & Tinder etc). You enjoy going through all the things imagining a use for it, and if you find a use, hallelujah! You can then smugly spend the next 6 weeks impressing your mates.

Sex appeal is subjective. You need to personally rate phone manufacturers. For me, high sex appeal examples are Nexus, Apple, Oneplus.

Size

Size matters. If you've not thought about a phablet, then, before you buy, chat to someone who has one. Phablet users are far more productive, in regards to phone banking, emails, messaging, than phone users. Just be open to a discussion about it, that's all.

Battery

Are you a high user? Will you be when you have a decent phone? Do you need Quick Charge, What about wireless charging? Batteries are changing and improving everyday and they need to be because phones are using more and more power. Don't miss this one out and be left looking for a new phone in 6 months because yours wont last the day.

Future Proof

Speaking of looking for new phones after 6 months, buying a phone that won't be a 'handmedown' before you can say "Marty McFly" is easier said than done. Without checking specs on cpu's, RAM's & NFC's a good rule of thumb is use google to find out the release date for the next version of the same phone. After this date, your phone will quickly become unsupported and go the way of T-Rex! Most manufacturers leave it about 12 months, so if they are releasing a new version in less than 6 months, maybe wait. 

Is it worth buying a cheaper phone that's about to be superseded? NO! What did I say about Sex Appeal! You deserve better. 

Android vs Apple

Up front, I'm an Android fan although the iPhone 6s is a mother of phone! Android is for me because I have a technical knowledge and I appreciate that Google are 'open' with their OS. ie, if I want I can download the source code, change it, compile it and run it on my phone. In theory at least.

For you....all I can say is be open to either at first. Don't necessarily stay with what you've got as you could be missing out on something you would really appreciate. Follow the above checklist and see which phone comes out on top. Don't just choose a phone by its OS, choose it by deciding if it has the features you want.

Good luck, and thanks for listening. Comments always welcome.

Tuesday, 20 October 2015

How To Get A Partner From The Internet

For the kind but lonely person looking for a long term relationship. A lighthearted, yet serious, set of tips to think about when going online to search for the perfect partner.

Almost 10 years ago I was single, divorced, a proud parent and in full time work. Life was hard, but I was happy. There was, however, a constant recurring nag, and this time I couldn't get a divorce(Ed - I only left this joke in because I am sure it's from the Two Ronnies?). I was actually missing someone to share the beautiful sunsets with. I needed a partner. (Ed again - Also, I hadn't had sex in a while, quite a while, and it was becoming a problem).

It was time to go dating! Here are my tips from the experience I had.....


Tip 1 Online Dating

Without doubt use an online dating site. (RSVP, Match, FreeDating) Don't bother with social events and friends dinner parties; They restrict your choice. Remember, there are 3.5 billion adults on the internet! You must be able to choose the right website for you. There are websites for long term relationship, short term, gay, lesbian, married and even single squirrels! (Ed - no there isn't). Think about your perfect partner, which site(s) would they choose. (Ed - if its the squirrel one then you'd better hoard some nuts!)


Tip 2 Sell Yourself

Your profile is your chance to impress. The competition is high. There are so many randy humans trying to get laid on these sites! Be yourself. You need to know YOUR strong points, and then use them. Don't lie. Repeat, don't lie. Women can lie about their age, men can't. Do not mention anything negative either, about yourself or your prospective partner, there's plenty of time for that later. A good idea for inspiration is to log in as the person you are looking for and do a search, that way you see the competition and can 'adapt' your profile accordingly. Find the best ones and study these profiles - if you share their characteristics, then Ctrl C and P it. You should reword it and make it your own, of course!


Tip 3 Aim High

Maybe you're middle aged, which means you know better than to accept second best. There are plenty of partners that will fit your 'requirements', Don't waste your time, and theirs, by going after something you don't want. With online dating. you get what you wish for. If, after meeting your date, you realise you want sex and nothing more then have the courage to tell them up front so they can decide if they likes your idea, or, that actually she would prefer to put their trainers on and run!


Tip 4 Sort Yourself Out First

If you're still in love with your ex then you should be at the short term relationship web site (or brothel). Nothing wrong with it, just don't go out and put a stranger through listening to your issues. This is what friends and psychologists are for. If you need a psychologist, best place to go is your local GP. They know what to do, and you'll be over the tosspot in no time. Same goes for other issues such as debt, drugs & 'other' relationships.


Tip 5 Know What You Want


Is it just sex, just kinky sex, kinky sex at orgies, kinky sex at orgies with politicians ... ...  or is it a long term partner. Let's be honest, if you are after a long term partner, the others aren't going to be available. Sometimes the advertising on the box implies it is, but I promise you - it isn't.


Tip 6 Be Open

Everyone, like the whole ever increasing 7 billion population, will be able to see your online profile, even the poor people in Scotland!. You don't need to tell everyone at work about it, but you should be open to a chat with your friends. More than likely, no one will care. Just be aware that if your friends are bored they might have a quick read to see what shit they can hang on you. Be ready for it. Your comeback, no matter what the reality is, is that, thanks to that profile, you are now shagging beautiful, frustrated & insatiable women/men/squirrels that have only now realised their true enjoyment of a good hard shag.


Tip 7 Be A Gentleman/Lady

Men - Contrary to the bullshit talk you give your mates you must never talk to any woman in the same way. Only after you have been married long enough to not have any of these mates can you begin to use this sort of language. We get ahead of ourselves! Back to the online dating;You must always pay for the meal/coffee/drink on your first date. There's no debate around this. Even if you prefer the independent, dungarees wearing types, they still, deep deep down, expect you to pay. And yes, if you have many dates that night/weekend it can be costly, but women like it. (Ed - and lets be honest, if you had more than one date a weekend you probably wouldn't be reading this! Sorry, but its kinda true!) If you have a second date then it's her turn. You can even go somewhere a bit more up market and get a quick return on your dollar.

Women - Let the men pay the first date. If you like him. Pay him back with a second date. If you don't, just have table water, and the second cheapest meal.


Tip 8 Hygiene 

Always wash. Wash everywhere. Use deodorant! Wash some more! Use more deodorant. Only wear clean clothes. If you need to go shopping for clothes, they are normally already clean when you buy them. Brush your teeth. Floss. For God's sake pluck your nostrils! Pluck you ears, your eyebrows and any other place mutant hairs have decided to sprout. Wash your hair. Use conditioner. Use aftershave/perfume. Be clean. Surprisingly this is advice for men and women.


Tip 9 Have Fun

If you go to each date only with one intention then you'll have fun. As long as that intention is to find at least one interesting story from the date. At worst, you will turn up and realise within a minute that you never want to talk to this person again in a million Pluto years. Well, stick in there, keep a sanguine attitude. You may be surprised, and will feel great forever afterwards, if you give this person some time and listen to them it may surprise you. It'll be worth it, if nothing more than to give you practice so that when you find yourself opposite your 'One' you can still maintain your composer and concentrate on them rather than what you want to do to them.

Tip 10 Karma

This is the biggie. Its not specific to online dating, but it plays a heavy role. In short, you get what you give. Ultimately you will meet a partner who is just like you. If you are full of shit, they will be full of shit. If you have unresolved issues, they will have unresolved issues (ok we all have unresolved issues, but some are scary!). Go back to point 4. Maybe point 4 should be point 1. In fact maybe there should be only 1 point - Karma: If you're a dick, you're going to meet a dick and that's not what you want when you're dating strangers on the internet!

Good Luck & Have Fun!


p.s. I actually met the most amazing person in the world who I still adore, so jokes aside, some of the above may actually be useful. If I have missed anything (which I undoubtedly have) then please leave a comment and I will add to the post.