Wednesday, 15 February 2017

Life & Chronic Pain Recipe

This family mix creates a painful, thick gravy that's fun-free. Perfect for a quick end to the night where you don't have any choice or fun.


  • Loving partner
  • House in the city
  • Kids
  • Couple of K9s
  • Well paid Job
  • Netflix
  • Nice car
  • Any chronic pain disease

Step 1
Combine some teenage years, innocence and a mix of random best friends in a medium sized High School. Slowly stir in 1⁄2 cup, maybe even 1/4 cup, of curriculum until a smooth further education forms.

Step 2
Heat the brain gently and add any first job you can find over medium-low heat. Add some new friends and a really old boss. Simmer, stirring occasionally, for 1 to 2 years. 

Step 3
Now stir in at least one partner, or as many as you can handle, and leave for another 5 years or so. Once its cooked down to a single partner add some spice and turn up the heat for a further 1 to 2 years, or until new 'yous' have formed. Quickly add a K9 and any car you can find so long as it's a station wagon.

Step 4
Now wait for your pain disease, if any to form...

Step 5
Depending on the wind and the stars, you may have to add some medicine to combat any pain that may have formed. You'll know if it appears because you'll be withdrawn, uninterested and different.

Step 6 
Invite some experts to add to the pot. At this point you'll have to walk away from the kitchen all together and trust the new cooks. Your guests wont mind as they have probably left.

Step 7
Return to the kitchen and remove the lid. Your dish will look different, however it should be a flat, luke warm, with an inquisitive yet foul aroma of old people and a faint whiff of death. The heat should have been removed years ago so feel confident it will soon be permanently cold.

Step 8
Serve your dish to any remaining guests with a blank stare and a faint memory of hope.